As always, the boulder rolled down the hill and once more, after a short reprieve, Sisyphus descended and attempted to roll the stone to the top again. He no longer wept when the inevitable came.
It was hot. His clothes had all withered away thousands of years before and so he was naked, and still it was so hot.
the Hill
Dinner came and went, very uneventful. She found herself distracted despite the constant chatter from her daughter about her day. She did enjoy her supper, though, and thought to herself how great it was to be eating better and taking care of herself again instead of munching on the leftover mac n cheese that had become a way too convenient habit. After the clean up she and her daughter sat and marked their new calendars with birthdays, anniversaries and vacations to look forward to through out the coming year. Still that envelope beckoned to her. Wait, she told herself. Just wait.
She put her daughter to bed and went to work out, a New Year’s resolution she had stayed committed to – at least for now. Her husband came home early and they settled into idle chit chat about their respective days. She knew that spending time with her husband was important to him, although not as much to her as she treasured her independence. It wasn’t a question of love so much as it was about being “free” and missing that feeling. However, she knew that it made him feel good and she was working on her compromising skills. She was highly skilled in other areas, but not so much in “sharing” and “compromising”. It comforted her to know that she could change without losing herself in the process. Out of the corner of her eye – the envelope still spoke to her. “Come to me, immerse yourself in me for a while”. She’d wait.
Hours passed and it was bedtime. Now, she thought. The envelope! Finally! As she settled into bed and kissed her husband goodnight, she carefully opened the envelope to find the red cover sheet calling to her to embrace the pages that followed.
As she sat and read the Story, the stress of the day simply disappeared and she found herself drenching herself in wild adventures and sexy boasts. She became “M” and was completely lost in the scenery of the Story. She felt the adrenaline of adventure, laughed at private jokes between herself and the author. A Story that would live with her forever in her heart and much of which wouldn’t, simply couldn’t be understood by another reader. How privileged, she thought. A gift like no other. A compliment of the highest kind. The love spilled from the hand-written pages and she couldn’t put it down, anxiously turning the pages to see what delights awaited her. An adventure into the imagination of someone she truly admired and loved. Peace surrounded her as the story ended and a tear simply slid down her cheek.
She dreamed of the Hill that night and was surrounded by those she loved the most.
tell me a story, dance me a jig
then eat the fat from the back of a pig
i rhyme with flavor, i rhyme with soul, i rhyme with rap words out of my mouth hole
i love my carla, and she loves me, we both sitting round and enjoying our tea
she is at work, and i guess i am too, just spinning stories from my hand to you
retreat to the hill, we call as we fled, running from our problems, running from our heads
there we relax regroup and be kind, there we forget all our problems and time
we sit and we smoke, we drink and we laugh, we tell stories and jokes and then take a nap
we wake feeling rested, we look to the sky, the blue has grown warmer, the fire is high
so back we must go, but return too we will, to our secret excape, our love on the hill.
the end
chicken thighs – prefer boneless skinless some for grillin and some for soup
80/20 hamburger enough for burgers and tacos later
grated cheese for tacos and casadeias
onion rolls
eggs-2 doz extra lg
good olive oil evoo
2 Blue diamond almond breeze milk -40 cal
celery
carrots
sweet onions vadalia bag
Carla hugs
red bell peppers 4 large
chobani greek yogurt blueberry 6oz size i will take 12 love it love it
mountian high yogurt free coupon
blueberries ck for mold
lemons bag or 6 to 8
organic gala apples bag ( the apples are small)
broccoli
shallots
bananas
sour cream
love
kisses
diet pepsi
Fresh ginger root just grab a good bunch- ck for mold
i am so excited
avacadoes- we can make dip- get ripe as you can
mission tortillias medium
crakers for cheese
wasa crackers too yummy
whatever snacks tyou want
yogi tea- blueberry green and healthy fasting 2 each
that cremora stuff
baked beans you know the ones we like
brats
I dont know why it is so hard for me to keep up on this blog. So much happens and I just get so lazy to document it – which is my biggest problem in getting a memoir started – there is so much I dont remember because I havent written it down. My last entry was sad and I was going thru so many emotions at the time that I thought writing it out was the only way I could deal with it. Honestly, it did help.
Since then, that problem has seemed to die down and of course, the drama isnt nearly as frightening as it was at the time. Funny how time can make things seem so much less important as it is when you are in the thick of it all. I am going to put a goal on myself to be a little more proactive in writing things down.
So, I guess the scariest thing right now for me is my health. Although, it shouldnt be. I am better about my eating habits and working out than I ever have been in my entire lifetime. But, now nearing forty, I am experiencing some health stuff that is just a little concerning – because I am not used to it. I have to go back to the gynnie because of a “mildly abnormal” pap smear and I have bled twice after sex on two different occasions. I am not sure what thats all about – but there has been no pain associated with it – so how bad can it really be? My guess is that I am starting to go thru the “change” and if that is the case – more power to it. I just want to get thru it and move on already. Sometimes being a woman can be the most confusing thing ever. Thats not to say I havent been having these thoughts that something is REALLY wrong with me and that I have some disease or something that is going to cause my demise. I am, somehow, okay with it though, if that is indeed what it turns out to be. At least for now.
My cousin Gracie just had liver surgery at 22 – after apparently NO medical issues. I guess if its going to happen – it can happen at any time. Who’s to say how long you will survive.
Facebook has brought some old friends and aquaintances back into my life. Some good, some just so-so. Funny though, I have no regrets about how I have lived my life thus far, however, I am not as open about admitting alot of my experiences to people who may have not experienced the same thing – OR – would even understand it. I mean, lets face it – I have taken partying to a whole different level than most “normal” people would consider “acceptable” without attaching the “you have a problem” label on it. I am surprised to be walking around as conscious as I do sometimes.
Then, you have to ask yourself – why party to THAT extreme, and the first thought that comes to my mind is – WHY NOT? I dont want to be 80 sitting around saying I wish I would have done this or that or experienced this or that. I HAVE done all that. To me, I have actually lived my life to the extreme without climbing Mount Everest or finding the cure for some incurable disease. I have shared the laughter of 100 lifetimes. I have danced and met people, some of which I am sure I have an amazing affect on whether I knew it or not.
I know I am jumping around here – but for the first time I am just writing down whatever thoughts are coming into my mind instead of worrying about someone finding this after my death and making it seem like I had it all together. Because, lets be honest, I dont. And, really – who does?
As I sit here and write this, the fireplace is burning and I am listening to my iTunes on random and just going with the flow as my loving sweeties take in the warmth, waiting to snuggle with me when I have had enough. That could literally be in a half hour or three hours from now and I am totally okay with that. Tomorrow morning I have to pull it together to drive to the lake to help my Mom close it down for the winter as she is leaving on Tuesday to go to California to help out with Gracie.
Which brings me to something that to this day still blows me away and I am not even sure why. When we had our family reunion this summer – it was wonderful – and on the last night we went to a local bar to all sing karaoke – as you can imagine – a family of our size just took the place over.. Then – Gracie got up to sing and I didnt even know it was her – but my god, she truly nailed it. Queen’s “Dont Stop Me Now”. I couldnt believe it. She blew everyone away and it was awesome. I am getting goosebumps right now even thinking about it. Not because she was such a great singer – but because she attacked this song with such passion and was so humble about it afterward. It was, by far, my favorite memory of that evening. I wish I could more like that.
I guess we all wish we could be different in some way. The way we think, speak, react. But the truth of the matter is this – we are who we are and basically thats it – you can try to change who you are – but your old habits will always seep right back in. I truly believe this.
I went out for a cigarette and was on a role – now I dont know what to write. However, my thoughts are spewing out of my fingers and I just want to write whatever! I feel good about this.
It’s nearly 12 and I am not ready for bed. So, let’s keep going.
You know, everyone tells me how great I am and I just dont see it the same way. I see fleeting moments of greatness. But, mostly, I just beat myself up. Who doesnt do that? Arent we, after all, our own worst own critics?
I am listening now to Queen’s Flash Gordon and it brings alot of memories back from this time period. Puberty. Ah. Never knowing why you were feeling the way you were and hating everyone that told you that you were being unreasonable. But, you werent, really, were you? Because all your thoughts were rational to you at the time.
I have been lucky to meet some of the most wonderful, fun, loyal and loving people in my lifetime that anyone could ask (or wish) for in their lives. I have had unconditional love and acceptance. How many people can really say that? I know that I am unconventional. I never had those dreams of being married – or even attached – I dont want kids – or that cute little house in the suburbs where you lose your life to the commonality of all of those around you. I have been blessed with knowing some of the most smart people on the planet, the most physically beautiful, the most hilarious, the most accepting, the most “everything”. “Common” is never I a word I ever use to describe the people in my life. Ever. And I have met ALOT of people. Most of which, I dont even remember, how sad is that. I guess that is how it is in the lifestyle I live. Christ, I go to Dallas or Denver or wherever it is that I go and my friends introduce me to people that I dont remember the next time I visit. Somehow, (I am sure I know why) these people remember me. I know I am a little out there. I get that. I mean, I went to a bar in Worchester, Ma ONCE and they sent me a Christmas card. As Rick James would say “Cocaine is one helluva drug” …but in my case it’s liquor. I come out of my shell. I talk to anybody. And, rudely at that. How do I attract guys? But pointing out whatever I think is wrong with them. Their hair, their clothes – whatever suits me at the time…and dammit if that doesnt work – every time. I dont care how hot they are when I am drinking – I can point out the one thing that makes them feel weak. And, they love it – even if it’s not remotely true.
My biggest fear. Losing my baby Harley. I am not retarded. I know it’s going to happen. I shake him in the middle of the night for goodness sake. Poor thing. He probably knows me better than ANYone and he’s a cat. But he sees me at my vulnerable and always has. He is the one alone with me when I freak out. And his demeanor never changes. My life will drastically change when fate takes him away from me. And, NO that doesnt go along with that stupid saying of comfort “when one door closes another one opens” because that wont happen. Harley will always be my soulmate, my shadow, my comfort, my love. Anyone who doesnt understand that – doesnt understand me.
I am about spent. But gosh, I want to write more. And what’s going thru my head? That “Carla-ism” which simply stated is “are you fucking kidding me?”. Get a grip. KEEP WRITING.
OMG…Painkiller just came on random..I love this song. Anything with a deep BASS. Love it. Bring on the Noise Benny Benassi is one of my favorite remixes right now. Remember that when I am 80 and I am still rocking the house with it!
Blinded by the Light..wrapped up like a deuce…you know the runner in the night.
Goodnight.
I recently got some news about a someone I care very deeply for committing the most of horrible acts. Not only did this break my heart, shattered it, really, like a glass vase on the floor, but questioned my reasoning as to whether you really know someone or not. Physically, I haven’t been right since, suffering from a stomach ache and a headache, severely depressed and helpless, my fingertips ice cold. My body is starting to shut down and I am beyond tired. The worst is that I can tell my friends my feelings but not the cause of them because this is so terrible. How do you forgive someone their faults and love them unconditionally when you know what they have done is so incredibly wrong? Work is suffering because I am so distracted. I even tried to zone out by getting a pedicure – but it did nothing more than give me more time alone to think and re-think. To top it off, I have family in town and I have to put on a brave face as soon as I get home and act as though nothing is going on since this isn’t broadcast news, but somewhat private between a select few. What I would give to go home and shut out the world under the covers. I thought that by perhaps writing this out it would release some of the pain and pensiveness I simply cannot let go of on my own. I have had fleeting moments of this pain in the past, but without as much as intensity or most likely, not for as long. Time will tell. We have all survived failed relationships, broken friendships, the loss of a loved one. We cope, we move on. It is these things that make us stronger in the long run, I believe. But how do you cope with the fact that this person that you love so much is sick, mentally ill, off the planet and in pain and all along you saw none of it. How can someone be so oblivious? How can I be so oblivious? I take solace in the fact that this person would never hurt another physically, but wonder where he’d be if this wasn’t broken out in the open now, say in five years or even ten? It pains me a great deal and I cannot stop the scenarios from replaying themselves in my mind over and over again. I want to reach out and help, however, I am not qualified. The helpless that washes over me is like a tidal wave. I want to rescue, but know that this wouldn’t really be helping at all, would it? I have become withdrawn and don’t really want to talk to anyone. I fight the urge to cry and the littlest things set me off. I long for the day where the pain isn’t as bad.
I was exhausted today, all day. I simply could not stop the burning in my eyes. It was my own fault, of course, for staying up too late and adding vodka to the mix. I am just not sure why phone calls are always so much more tolerable coupled with a few drinks. So for as much as I wanted to scrap writing tonight, I pulled out the last bit of energy I had – as not to fail on only day 2 of the challenge. After all, that would be pretty lame. So, I am sitting here with my cat, Harley, snuggled up and warm – with the mattress warmer on – despite it being May 11th! I am over it being cold already – so ready for summer to get here and stay for a while!
I am watching Harper’s Island, I know – I know, but I simply cant stop at this point. It is cheesy beyond all belief, however, there are some serious hotties in it and I must admit, I am quite curious to see who the psycho(s) is (are). Admittedly, I am a sucker for these kinds of shows and movies. I have seen them all! Good and bad!
Anyway, that’s about it for now. Once I get used to this whole thing I am sure I will drone on and on – but for tonight, you are saved, blog. 
So, today I am embarking on a family challenge. I need to write every day for a half hour. Surely this is a challenge for me because writing can be such a burden for those who dont do this every day. Granted this is day one for me. I promise that my entries will be much more interesting than this first one. A test to the time. I have alot of interesting things going on in my life….stay tuned.
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